Relationships... the Ties That Bind or Hold Us Back

Decline of the Nuclear Family

A nuclear family system is defined as a family structure that consists of a couple living with their children. This is quite different from an extended or intergenerational family system, in which the household may include other family members, such as grandparents, siblings with children, aunts, uncles, cousins, and so on.

Over the past sixty years, career mobility and the gradual disappearance of the family farm or family business started the shift in lifestyles and the expectations of baby boomers as well as each generation since. Although the nuclear family was typically Mom, Dad, and their kids, with each passing decade, the lifestyles, values, and expectations of Gen Xers and then the millennials
has continued to change. And with two working parents and nontraditional roles (such as stay-at-home fathers) emerging, the children of each generation have been parented and have grown up quite differently.

In addition to these sociological changes, the compounding effect of shifts in education policy, the flight of jobs from North America, and the rapid growth of technology, the internet, and now social media have expedited the rate of change and a degree of destabilization in the family unit. While the nuclear family has been the most adaptive and flexible model throughout history, we are experiencing a rate of change that seems to stretch the limits of even the most committed parents.

Whether being locked down and needing to stay at home together during Covid-19 has changed this pattern remains to be seen. However, one of the heartening aspects is that as humans, each generation has historically risen to a challenge with a renewed flexibility, versatility, and adaptability that allows them to grow and survive. While we may long for a degree of sameness, we
need to find solace in the fact that each generation has prospered, in spite of great change in the past.

Friends, family, and intergenerational lifestyles

In midlife, whether by culture or by choice, hosting adult children, aging parents, or both has become a reality. The reasons for creating an intergenerational or extended family home can be as varied as the dynamics of the family who come together to live in community.

When the kids move back home 

The “sandwich generation”, as baby boomers are affectionately known, often find themselves being the “home of last resort” for their “boomerang children with children”—that is, the ones that find themselves in a situation where they “just need to move home for a short while.” The escalating cost
of buying a home today has deterred many young people from believing they can ever afford a home of their own. And the rise in rental rates has made an apartment beyond the reach of many young families.

It’s interesting that across North America, the generations of people who immigrated to the United States and Canada from around the world in the past 300 years often lived together as a cohesive family unit. The grandparents cared for the children while the parents worked or were off fighting wars.Over time, as they prospered, the parents were able to move their families to a home of their own.|

Then, many years later, age and declining health brought them full circle with the children taking on the responsibility of providing those same aging parents with a comfortable last home. In addition to busy careers, children’s activities and coordinating medical schedules, as well as being the taxi for all their parents’ appointments, can become very wearing…both physically and
emotionally. But that’s what you do for family, right?

“But when is it our time?” they asked

While most would say they love their parents and children dearly, many couples find themselves having to defer their own lifestyle expectations indefinitely to accommodate these long-term guests. At a time when they were planning to make a lifestyle shift, they often find themselves in the group home business, often with little or no financial support from these “guests.”

There’s no easy answer to this dilemma, and each family unit must make the difficult decisions on how best to deal with it. Where co-dependency or interdependency exists—either consciously or unconsciously—having one person limit another’s ability to achieve their dreams is not uncommon.

As stated previously, though a person may not have chosen what happens to or around them, it’s their responsibility to do what is right for them based on their values and beliefs…and then to move beyond it. Be empathetic, not sympathetic, and when the time is right, give yourself permission to move on. You’ve earned it.