Relationships - Understanding Each Other Differently

Some years ago, a Boy Scout leader we knew would give a copy of a book he’d found highly effective to the parents of his troop. The title of this book was How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. The simple message is that the words we use, our tone, and body language can have a profound effect on whether our message is really heard by the other person or gets garbled in the transmission.

No matter who we are talking to, it’s important to be conscious of the other person’s response. Why? Because all too often, we may be pushing old buttons that were typically programmed during those formative childhood and adolescent years and evoke an unexpected response.

As adults, we should all be rational and logical about things, but many of us still carry around old programs that are indelibly imprinted on our psyches. For example, when our boss, our mother, or our partner tells us something in a certain way, we will often react in a manner both they and others may deem to be totally illogical or irrational. What no one else, including ourselves in many cases, can possibly understand is that hot button their tone or the words and associated body language pushes in us…every time.

While there are volumes that have been written on effective communication, for the purposes of this book, it’s sufficient to be aware of it and encourage one another to be more conscious about how the other person hears what we think we’re saying to them.

For example, one person may be a words person and very articulate, appreciating the clarity in oral or written communication, while their partner is a numbers person, one who can’t comprehend why everyone doesn’t get the importance of budgeting and reconciling their bank statement every month. In this scenario, as the potential for miscommunication is huge, both parties need to ensure the other person has heard and appropriately processed the information being shared, particularly the stuff that may seem foreign or unimportant to the recipient.

The question “Where’s the receipt for this $69.57 purchase you made at Walmart?” may not seem important to the words person, who is equally frustrated when their partner can’t seem to get the spelling or grammar right in the simplest of emails. But when one accuses the other of not “getting it” or reacts with “How can you be so dense?” they can push that hot button programmed in their partner’s childhood by teachers, siblings, or parents. The result can be a seemingly childish response or a totally out-of-character reaction from their partner, and it can have a negative and often lasting effect on the couple’s relationship.

So, the bottom line is to sit quietly with your partner, or others you may often interact with, and ask what they really hear when you say, “_________.” By doing this, both parties can better understand the problem by helping themselves and the other person deal with it differently.

Each of us came into this world with different gifts, talents, and abilities. Some of these were nurtured, honoured, and encouraged by those around us, while others were suppressed, ignored, or even discouraged. While no one can change what was, each person can “put on their big person pants” and choose to change what is and what can be tomorrow.